( fic ) an affair.

[autumnish]

In the beginning, Shinobu-san only ever toed the limits of their school’s rules of conduct. She cut her hair short, but not shorter than was allowed, another inch and she’d have been reprimanded, though. Her nails were long and often decked in nail art, except for the index and middle fingers on her right hand, something the girls in her slowly growing fan club wondered about amongst themselves, while Aki didn’t wonder for long, she quickly figured what use Shinobu-san could possibly have of those two particular fingers that wouldn’t involve the rest, that would spare her blue nail polish and all the applied glitter. Everybody knew that Shinobu Mizushima was a lesbian, not that she’d ever told anyone in those words or in words at all, but once the rumours began circulating among the other students, neither did she dismiss the notion. After a couple of weeks, everybody in school had heard, probably the teachers, too, it was written in the disapproving glances they sent Shinobu-san’s way, whenever she was standing too close to another girl. She was a deviant, a freak, someone they disapproved of and thus, it began. The era of parental complaints and official rebukes. Maybe this, more than any of the rest that happened, was what made the greatest impression on Aki, at age sixteen.

She thought, at first, that she was interested in Shinobu-san the same way the girls in Shinobu-san’s very unofficial fan club were. That she admired the older girl for being her senior, for being different and cool. Shinobu-san would tie the bow on her sailor uniform in an always slightly crooked manner, for example, that Aki found charming, attractive. Off school grounds, she dressed in a boyish style, consisting mostly of ripped jeans and T-shirts with provocative prints, Aki had seen her a couple of times at the local mall. However, once Aki realised why Shinobu-san clipped the nails on those two fingers short, once that mental image had worked its way into her mind, of Shinobu-san and some nameless, faceless girl having sex, she could no longer pretend that she was only one more innocent fan girl swooning over the defiant Shinobu Mizushima, it was not so simple.

Nothing was so simple anymore.

***

French was, naturally or perhaps not so naturally, the only class they took together, Shinobu-san and her, because Aki had been bumped up to the advanced level as soon as her first year French teacher had realised how relatively fluent she was in the language already. It’s no use keeping you here, Fujioka-sensei had said as she’d handed Aki her admittance slip, you will learn nothing new and only make the others feel inadequate. Studying with the seniors had been a little anxiety-inducing the first few times, of course, but she had been well received and quickly found someone to practice her pronunciation with, too. A boy. Hayato-san. He always grinned at his friends in this lewd way that Aki found rather unappealing, whenever she came to pick him up for study sessions. He behaved himself around her, but she could tell what he and his friends were thinking. Such a sweet little first year, she’ll crumble easy.

She didn’t crumble. She wondered, if perhaps it would have been better, had she done so.

In class, Aki could afford to be inattentive from time to time, because her grasp of French grammar was thorough and her pronunciation fine, so instead she would watch Shinobu-san who did struggle, but also consistently failed to care that she did while Takahashi-sensei lectured on some translation detail or other. Aki would think of her long hours of ballet training after school, wondered what it would feel like to respond to all her stumbles and twisted ankles with an unaffected screw it, it would undoubtedly save her the pains of a never-ending battle, what sometimes felt like an unrelenting uphill climb. Then again, she’d be giving up dancing, wouldn’t she? She could never do something like that, she’d come too far.

Yes, she’d come too far.

Shinobu-san had really nice teeth, Aki had discovered from her seat in their shared French classes, an even smile that broadened seemingly indefinitely when she felt entertained. If something especially funny presented itself to her, little wrinkles would appear around her nose and her nostrils would flare briefly, Aki found it her undoubtedly most beautiful feature, because otherwise Shinobu-san wasn’t, not to mention - she herself did everything in her power to emphasise that she wasn’t - a traditional beauty, nothing out of the idol books or even old ukiyo-e motifs. Yet, Aki wouldn’t have minded carrying a postcard around in her purse with Shinobu-san's picture.

***

Still, she never became a member of the older girl’s fan club. She had a feeling that she wouldn’t belong.

***

One day at the very end of January, when Aki came to school, Shinobu-san’s fan club had gathered in the hallway and were whispering excitedly among themselves, the only word Aki caught as she moved past them was girlfriend and her stomach dropped. Suddenly all her secret thoughts about Shinobu-san’s index and middle fingers, those pink-tinted dreams about her perfect teeth, about her soft lips, along with her own vague fantasies about the flicking and swirling of tongue seemed all the more inappropriate, because now the other girl belonged to someone else. Someone else had been braver than Aki thought she’d ever be.

Shinobu-san’s girlfriend was called Mami Ueno and she went to the prestigious, Catholic all-girls school a couple of blocks away, the one with the tall fences that looked like something out of a shoujo manga. In the breaks in between classes, she often dropped by to see Shinobu-san, although it was strictly forbidden having outsiders come visit. Aki caught a glimpse of them one afternoon as she was hurrying to get to her ballet class on time, Mami-san was sitting on Shinobu-san’s lap, the skirts of their different school uniforms colliding and contrasting around their thighs, her arm was around Shinobu-san’s shoulders and they were laughing, together. Aki envied them, she envied them in a dark, hurtful way that shriveled her heart.

On several occasions Mami-san was kindly asked to leave the school’s premises and always did what was requested of her, except for staying away, obviously. Then, one day, in front of everyone, she leaned in to kiss Shinobu-san on her perfect, smiling mouth and the headmaster finally found an excuse to act. Mami-san was turned in to her own school officials while Shinobu-san was suspended for inappropriate behaviour. Two weeks, she would be unwelcome at school, it was the longest suspension anyone had been subjected to in years, although the teachers naturally expected her to be able to keep up with the workload when she returned.

Not until a week into Shinobu-san’s suspension did the idea come to her.

***

Takahashi-sensei had found it commendable that Aki wanted to give Shinobu-san the past week’s French homework, since everybody knew that the other girl was struggling a bit with the subject and happily, he informed her of Shinobu-san’s address. In reality, Aki discovered, Shinobu-san lived not too far from her, in the same large residential area of mostly two-storey houses and the adventure of it, of walking the fifteen minutes from her own front door to the one that hid Shinobu-san’s private life, left her feeling almost electric.

Shinobu-san’s father opened the door and looked at her suspiciously, but she quickly presented her excuse, she was simply here to give Shinobu-san her French homework, she would be leaving again quickly, thank you for understanding and she ended her little, well-practiced speech with a bow. He stepped aside with a curt and automatic greeting and waited for her to take off her shoes, before showing her up the stairs to Shinobu-san’s room. The door was closed. He didn’t knock.

“You have five minutes,” he simply told them and left the door open when he disappeared down the hallway once more.

***

“What are you doing here, Himura-san,” Shinobu-san asked as soon as the sound of her father’s heavy footfalls had died out, Aki was somewhat surprised to realise the older girl knew her family name, they weren’t even in the same year, they only saw each other three times a week, one hour at a time and they’d never actually spoken to each other. Before now. Suddenly the words she was about to choose weighed down on her, hard and heavy like the horrible jitters she’d always feel before a performance. Was she really experiencing stage fright? Here?

“I,” she began, but stopped herself from repeating the same, only halfway true excuse with which she’d secured her way into the house. Sure, she had all Shinobu-san’s homework in her bag, but the homework wasn’t her actual reason for coming, why she was standing in front of Shinobu-san now, fighting to speak. It was something else. Something else entirely. “They shouldn’t have suspended you on those grounds.”

She blurted it out, finally. Shinobu-san just looked at her for a long, wordless moment, her eyes dark and unreadable. Her stare was intense. Aki fought to temper her breathing. They could have suspended her for repeatedly ignoring school regulations or for her attitude issues, they had plenty of options to pick from, but they chose to suspend her due to inappropriate conduct.

“Because I kissed a girl,” Shinobu-san finally said in conclusion.

“Yes.”

“Why not?”

“Because,” Aki replied, but didn’t get any further, the sentence dying out before it had even started. “Because.”

It wasn’t wrong.

Shinobu-san got up from her desk and turned towards her. This close, Aki could tell that they were almost the same height, though maybe she was just an inch taller. She was taller than most of her peers, perfect ballerina height, Satou-sensei would always insist when Aki playfully complained about it. Only slowly did Shinobu-san cross the distance between them, until they were standing right in front of each other, close enough that Aki could touch her, if she wanted. Her fingers tingled and she balled her hands into fists at her sides. She could tell that their five minutes were almost up.

Another silent second passed them by, then Shinobu-san leaned in and kissed her on the mouth, their lips aligning for the briefest of moments. All air got caught in the depths of her lungs. When Shinobu-san stepped back, Aki felt like crying, but she swallowed thickly and blinked herself back to a world in which she was actually in control of herself, of her unruly emotions.

“Don’t think we’re girlfriends now,” Shinobu-san concluded in a voice that sounded completely unaffected, but lacked the chill of indifference, the edge of disregard. The voice in which Aki was being spoken to was instead warm and understanding. A small comfort. “Still, you’re someone whose true nature I'd like to see, so I wanted to give you strength.”

To be you, Aki thought, completed the sentence without even caring that it might not be what Shinobu-san had meant to say. The way they were looking at each other, face to face, eye to eye, told her that she wasn’t wrong, just like Shinobu-san herself hadn’t been wrong to kiss another girl. They were simply being honest and honesty was a virtue. Aki smiled and in turn, Shinobu-san smiled her perfect, wide, even-teethed smile back.

***

When Shinobu-san’s father returned, she had turned over all the French homework to Shinobu-san’s knowing hands with their long fingers, with their in turn long nails, except for the two short-clipped ones and completely clear of conscience, Aki left the house that looked so much like her own.